June 22, 2016 · Personal
I had a hard dose of reality at the onset of 2016. A kick in the gut, if you will. I felt convicted…smack dab in one of those uncomfortable moments where you realize where your mind had been dwelling and it was high time you made some real changes in your attitude. Enough was enough.
What used to be mere thoughts or opinions in my mind were beginning to creep out in my words. A general air of negativity was spewing from my mouth. All related to our struggle with infertility.
What scared me the most was I didn’t even REALIZE the change in me. It snuck in…a little at a time…so slow and subtle it was that much harder to detect. Then, God decided it was time for that lovely “Holy Spirit Spotlight” of His. Shining RIGHT on me. I swear He put in fresh new bulbs just for me. Extra bright so all the ugly darkness that had formed a web of negativity in my heart would be brought to light.
One winter Sunday morning in my parents’ church, I saw my true self for the first time in a long time…and I didn’t like who I had become. Never even knowing that I had become someone else.
I morphed into a person more focused on facts and past experiences than hope for what God can do in any situation. I left little room for miracles, healing, or even possibilities…because my life felt stripped of those. It was a pity party for one and I was hosting.
As well-meaning people shared stories of “this person” and “this situation” all with the grand finales of “Tada! Now they have a family!” I was having an internal conversation in my head that always ended with, “Great story. Happy for them. That won’t be me.”
I made a conscious decision that day to change my attitude and open the fists that somehow became clenched over the last few months. Hands that used to be open to whatever God had for me on our journey to a family had become white from the amount of control I was so desperately clinging to. In fear of an internal “fertility clock” that just keeps ticking by, I was trying to lead this thing because life just wasn’t moving fast enough for my liking.
I hit the reset button.
I made a decision to drop the negativity. Only look for the good in our current circumstances. I relinquished control. Because somewhere along this road I took it back without ever realizing I was holding it in my hands…and I didn’t want it anymore.
Tomorrow is another reset for us on our journey to a family. Not so much a mental reset this time, but a physical one. Surgery. A procedure that could give us information to make or break our journey to have kids biologically.
Many close to us have asked, almost in a somber tone, “How are you feeling about having this surgery…?” Perhaps assuming that this was “one more thing” popping up in our way. Another road block. That totally makes sense if you didn’t know where our hearts were in this whole process.
Honestly? I’m excited. But. For a reason you might not expect.
My prayers leading up to tomorrow have not been for how I want this to play out. I have the January reset to thank for that. Not once have I prayed that this surgery will allow me to conceive again. That I can FINALLY carry, deliver and love a baby that stays with me on this earth for more than three weeks.
My prayer has been for HIS plan. For HIS direction. Wisdom and clarity to know where to go next. Keep trying or begin our journey to adopt. Regardless of the outcome of this surgery, I am ready. I am SO ready. Excited to see what this next step will be. It may be just one step but it is still a step, and I am always thankful for movement!
Tomorrow could play out in many ways. We might not come out of this with good news. On the flip side, we could hear the *best* news a couple trying to conceive could hear.
“This may have been the cause of your unexplained infertility. I would encourage you to try again now.”
BUT. If at any point God says, “That little adoption seed I planted in your heart a while back? The one I’ve been slowly watering and growing and giving roots? It is time to pursue that dream instead,” you better believe I will be RUNNING through that adoption door as fast as my legs can take me. Try and catch me. I dare ya.
I want what He wants. Nothing less. Tomorrow, I’m ready for what HE has for me. That is the kind of unexplainable peace and surrender that comes from hitting the reset. TRULY relinquishing control and leaning into Him and His plan for your life.
Do it. I challenge you today.
As I listened to this song for the millionth time this morning, this verse that usually gets lost behind the power of the chorus stuck out to me like never before…especially with the timing of my surgery tomorrow. This song is my heart right now, people. I encourage you to listen to it here.